Lasting Scars, Lasting Wounds
by Mourning Star under the Moon
Summary: When a wound is inflicted, there is inevitably pain. Some wounds heal without scars, others do, and some wounds never truly heal. Dwelling on the past will reopen them, and bring back painful memories. This is a SAINW story.
1. Pain

**Greetings! This is my first TMNT fanfic, but not my first fanfic! Let's get this out of the way:**

**Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!! TMNT is owned by someone else, and 4Kids created the amazing episode "Same as It Never Was," which this fanfic is based on.**

**By the way, there seems to be a debate over whether or not Leo is blind in the episode "Same as It Never Was." Honestly, he either is or isn't. You can argue either way, really, and I for one didn't think he was blind in that episode. The official story synopsis doesn't suggest he's blind, so I'm going to say he's not blind, k? You can say he is if that's what you think, but please, since this is my story, just go with it.**

**Now onto the main story!**

**Lasting Scars, Lasting Wounds  
**

His hideout was a small one, in a place where there was naturally ear-deafening noise. He had grown used to it, and could sleep in it. It was a place that anyone had to _know_ was there in order to find. It was where he slept, and meditated. Or at least, where he _tried_ to meditate.

It wasn't the noise that prevented him from meditating. No, he had been able to meditate in worse noise and chaos than this place offered. This almost deafening noise was not so hard to ignore to meditate, not if he put his mind to it. No, what often kept him from meditating were memories.

They were not a pleasant companion for him, although these days they were his _only_ companion. He sometimes would be contacted by the resistance to help in specific ways, but for the most part he went off on his own, doing what he could to fight the Shredder. No, he spent most of the time alone, and he often found himself trapped in his own memories, particularly when he was here, in his hideaway.

_He stood up and stretched. He had just spent a good hour meditating, and training was about to start. He went over to fetch his brothers, only to discover that his second youngest brother, Donatello, was missing. He asked his other two brothers if they had seen him, or knew where he was, and gotten blank looks._

_They skipped practice on Master Splinter's suggestion and looked for their brother. His shell-cell was laid out next to Donnie's computer, although his bo-staff was missing. Fear grew in the pit of his stomach, and they looked everywhere they could for their brainy brother._

_Weeks went by before they finally went back to training, and even then it was horrible. There was no sign or trace of their brother, and his disappearance went both ways. He could be alive, just somewhere else. Yet again, he could be dead, and they just hadn't found his body._

_Master Splinter would insist that Donatello would return to them, and they just had to be patient._

He gasped slightly as the memories of that period of time washed over him. The never-ending fear, the anger, and the despair were all still potent, even after all this time. _Why did he abandon us?_ he wondered with a sigh as he rubbed a hand over his head. _Why did Donnie just leave us behind, if he's still alive?_

It was better to think that Donnie was dead. It hurt, but not as badly as the thought that Donnie had abandoned them. He didn't think he could stand it if it turned out that Donnie had abandoned them.

Michelangelo had taken Donnie's disappearance the hardest. The two had always been close, and enjoyed goofing off together when Mikey could drag Donnie out of his ever-present studies and tinkering. He was also the only one of the three brothers that Mikey would go to if he had had a nightmare. Mikey hadn't dared to go to either of his remaining brothers after Donnie's disappearance when he had had a nightmare. It had hurt to see him refuse to seek comfort, and for a while, simply curling up on Donatello's bed would ease some of his pain. Of course, that was the only thing in Donatello's room that he dared to disturb, for the day when Donatello would return.

Now it didn't matter. That room, and everything else in their home, was gone. Smashed to bits by the Shredder's robots and men.

"_What's that sound?" I ask Mikey, frowning slightly at the slight ticking noise. I'm hoping it's coming from his video game. My hopes of that are dashed when Mikey pauses his game, and the ticking sound increases._

_Suddenly the entrance from the sewer bursts open. Mikey and I pull out our weapons, and all I can think is that our enemies have finally found out home. It had been five years since Donnie's disappearance, and while April has been a great help in keeping our defense system running, they're falling into disrepair. They finally failed us._

"_The Foot!" Raphael gasps as he dashes out of his room. He lets out a roar, and attacks. Mikey and I jump in as well, in part to give the Foot more targets. Soon we're surrounded and overwhelmed._

"_No! My sons!" I hear Master Splinter yell, and suddenly he's in the midst of the battle as well. It's hopeless, but this is our home. We haven't done much against the Shredder in the past five years – mostly just hindering the Purple Dragons – so why is he doing this to us now?_

"_Leonardo! Get your brothers out of here! I'll hold them off!" Master Splinter orders me, and a feeling of shock and dread rise up. Please tell me he did not just say what I think he did. Master Splinter gives me a look in a brief moment of time where neither of us are fighting. I see in his eyes that he knows what will happen to him if he stays, and I suddenly realize that the same fate awaits all of us. "Tell Donatello that I always knew he'd be back, when you see him, and that I never blamed him for his disappearance," Master Splinter tells me quietly before he's back into action._

"_Mikey! Raph! We're leaving!" I yell at them. Oh, shell – Raph just got knocked out! "RAPH!!!" I scream and leap over to him. Mikey's suddenly there, and between the two of us, we're able to get out of there. Master Splinter blocks the Foot from following us, and destroys the passageway that we just used to make our escape._

"_What about Master Splinter?" Mikey asks me in a panicked voice as he glances behind him. "We have to go back!"_

"_No, Mikey – we need to get to safety first. I'm not going to impose ourselves on April again – not after what happened the last time we stayed there for a long period of time," I mutter quietly._

"_B-but…" Mikey stares at me._

_Tears are forming in the corners of my eyes, but I angrily blink them out. "I'm sorry, Mikey, this is what he wanted. Master Splinter… he knew what would happen, and… he wanted to give us a chance to live," I tell my little brother quietly, looking away as we continue to carry Raph. I can hear Mikey starting to snivel, but thank God, he's continuing to walk. A lump forms in my own throat as we continue to move through the sewers._

He gasped as that memory hit him, and he had to work hard not to cry. They _had_ found safety, for the moment, when Raphael had finally woken up. By then, it was too late, and Leo knew it.

It hadn't taken much for the resulting argument to occur. Raph, so grief-stricken, had refused to see the logic and noble sacrifice of their master and instead focused on what the three of them could have done to save him. Telling Raph that he was unconscious at the time did nothing to make the red-banded turtle any happier.

Leo put a hand up to his left eye. His face was heavily scarred, but unlike Raph, he retained the use of both eyes. It did not make things easier on Raph to be half-blind, but in some ways it was better than what had happened to Michelangelo.

About ten years after Master Splinter had died protecting them, they had tried to go up against the Shredder. In that battle, Raph had lost his left eye, and Mikey had lost his left arm from the elbow down. They had been lucky not to lose each other, but Raph hadn't seen it that way. He had left, guilt-ridden for letting Mikey lose his arm, and blaming Leo for everything, but mostly Master Splinter's death.

Leo just couldn't deal with Mikey anymore. He still loved his little brother, but seeing him without his left arm – it was a constant reminder that he, too, had failed to protect his little brother.

Living on his own – it was hard, but it was better than being with people. People – they were a reminder of who and what he had lost. Donatello was the first of Leo's loses – he had lost a brother, and one of the smartest people he had ever known. Master Splinter – a father, a teacher, and so much more.

Raphael – despite the fact that he was a live, Raph was still lost to him. Raph's anger and fury, which Leo knew had to mask his own grief, would never let it go that they had lost their father. Michelangelo – like Raphael, Mikey was still alive, but lost to Leo. Mikey was a reminder of Leo's failures, and being around him just made Leo want to howl with grief and despair.

Casey Jones was now lost to them as well. He had died in their last attempt to kill the Shredder, when the three turtles had sworn not to try again. Raphael had taken Casey's death the hardest, even over Casey's wife, April. The vigilante had been a close friend of Raph's for so long, it was like they were brothers.

Leo sighed, leaning back in his small hideaway. He now lived for very few things. Donatello's return – he had to deliver Master Splinter's message, even though by now he had given up hope that he'd ever return. Yet until Leo died, that was one of the things he lived for, if only to keep him going.

Defeating the Shredder, somehow – that kept him going, too, although he had given up most of his hope in accomplishing that, either. But he had to try, he had to keep fighting.

Maybe that was the real reason Leo was alive. He lived to resist the Shredder, now that he couldn't defeat him. If he couldn't kill the Shredder, he would resist him in any way he could. In a way, it was enough for him to keep going. If he could accomplish either of the other goals he had before he died, he would be grateful.

"Donnie," he whispered as quietly as he could. "You better come back, bro – we could really use you're big brain right about now." As always, his voice was drowned out by the rumbling machines that stood near his hideaway.

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**Whew! That's done! I have a few ideas for future chapters, but I can't guarantee anything. For now, this is not complete, but if I don't get any interest, I may leave this as a one-shot.**

**That being said, please, PLEASE read and review!!! I like reviews - they encourage me to write. (I really should get back to my Plant Girl story, but I'm a little... discouraged at the moment.)**

**That's all from me for now!**

**~Star~  
**


	2. Blame

**Here is chapter 2! Thanks to my three reviewers, Scribe of Turesa, MidnightMoonWarrier, and magiccat. Your reviews sped up the release of this chapter, and kept this story from remaining a one-shot.**

**After re-reading the last chapter, I realized a small mistake and corrected it. Sorry about that...**

**Let's get this next bit over with:  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT and anything associated with them.**

**Chapter 2, Blame  
**

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This isn't how it was supposed to be. Even he knew that. He had his pick of people to blame, and he always went with the one he preferred. Leonardo was still alive, so laying the blame on him was better than blaming the dead.

Even though Leo and Mikey maintained that Donnie was still alive, Raph just couldn't let himself believe it. It was too painful to think that Donnie was out there somewhere, but not there with them. He couldn't believe that Donnie would abandon them. It just wasn't in his brother's nature to abandon his family.

If he _was_ alive, and Raph wasn't saying that he was, then there _must_ be some logical explanation for him disappearing for almost thirty years. Donnie wouldn't leave unless there was a reason. A multitude of explanations ran through Raph's head, but he dismissed them all, telling his suddenly aching chest that Donnie was dead, and hadn't abandoned them.

The pain of Donnie's probable death, and Master Splinter's own death a few years later, was still hard on Raph, but he was grateful that they were at least out of this hell-hole that was Earth these days. Especially Donnie – the brainy turtle would have been devastated to see technology used the way the Shredder had been. He was such a peaceful turtle, and couldn't stand violence when he could avoid it.

It was one of the traits that Donnie had that once annoyed the crud out of Raph. He couldn't see how one of his brothers ended up being a pacifist, and yet now he wished that he hadn't been so hard on his brother. Anything was better than just fighting to stay alive, and Donnie wouldn't hesitate to jump into a battle if one of his brothers were in danger.

That was one of the best things about Donnie. He _was_ a pacifist, but one who knew that sometimes there had to be violence, and he never went so far as to overdo it.

_Shell, I miss him,_ Raph sighed as he rolled over onto his side. The undetermined nature of Donnie's disappearance and continued absence sometimes resurfaced and made him wonder if Donnie was really alive, but then – where would he have been hiding all these years? There was no way that he could have been hiding in some remote country, not after the Shredder had completely taken over the rest of the planet.

Master Splinter had always been convinced that Donnie would return to them, and Leo had told both Raph and Mikey what Master Splinter wanted them to tell Donnie once he _did_ return. 'I never blamed him for his disappearance.' Those were Master Splinter's last words, and it hurt to remember that his last concern was for a missing son.

Raph choked down the roar of anger and frustration. His last words, the last thing that he ever said to _anyone_ (that they knew of, anyway), were words for a son who had been missing for five years. _He should have never died in the first place!_ Raph roared silently, for even if he was relatively safe in the place where he was now, he didn't want to risk discovery.

Placing the blame of Master Splinter's death on Leonardo's shoulders might not be the most logical thing to do, but how could Leo know that Master Splinter was already dead by the time he had woken up? It wouldn't have been hard to wake Raph up and run back to save their father, and yet Leo had decided to get all three of them to safety.

Raph could still remember returning to the lair a few days after it had been destroyed.

_Pillars were smashed, and personal belongings were strewn around the destroyed lair. I can't help but shake in anger. How dare the Foot do this to us!_

_Mikey was still holding onto some hope that Master Splinter had escaped as well, while I was hoping that they had captured Master Splinter and kept him alive to use as bait for us. If we were clever enough, we could figure out how to rescue him without having whatever trap the Shredder might spring on us actually capture us as well. Leo didn't say what he hoped for, but I could see it in his eyes. He believed that we would find Master Splinter here, dead._

_If we did, I'd never forgive myself, or Leo, for letting this happen. I just couldn't stand for him to be dead, not after everything else we've lost in these last five years. Suddenly I hear a choked sob, and look over at Mikey._

_His eyes are locked on something that is out of my view, and Leo's already running towards Mikey. With a feeling of dread, I move towards them. "M-master Sp-splinter," Mikey choked out, tears running down his face. I look – aw, shell…_

"_No… NO!" I can't help but yell, collapsing to my knees as I see our Master Splinter, our Sensei, our _father,_ lying dead not ten feet from us. I'm fighting back tears as I feel the bottom of my world crumble from beneath me._

Raph spent weeks after that trying to cope, find a firm base to stand on, something to _fight_ for again. Their family started falling apart, and a part of Raph felt guilty that he had helped speed up the disintegration of their family. But he couldn't help but blame Leo for not at least _trying_ to save Master Splinter, and neither of them could stand each other after a while.

Poor Mikey, he had had to make a choice, and in the end had gone with neither of them.

Things after that slowly became worse and worse, as the Shredder gained more and more power. Even though Raph wasn't mad at Mikey, they didn't talk anymore. It brought up too many painful memories, to be around Mikey, and especially Leo. It almost hurt just to look at April, and remember that her husband was dead, that Raph had been unable to save one of his best friends.

He touched his left eye. He could feel the stitches closing the wounded eye, and he sighed. They had lost so much in this war against the Shredder, and he had to wonder if they were doing any good at all.

_I could really use some advice now, Donnie,_ Raph sighed. _At least you're not suffering like the rest of us… You or Master Splinter._

That was the only comfort in them being gone – that they weren't suffering the way everyone else was, but at the same time, Raph wanted to find a way to change things. He wanted it to happen, and sometimes dreamed of a world where this had never happened, but it was a dream he would always wake up from. There was no chance that they could change things, no hope for a brighter future. They could only resist, and hope that things would get better.

At least he could always turn his despair and grief into anger. Whenever he went into battle, he just had to remember who and what he had lost, and he would have a steady supply of anger. It gave him the energy and strength he needed to defeat his opponents.

_Shredder,_ he thought angrily. _You have a lot to pay for. If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to kill you._

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**Sorry that this chapter is shorter than the last one, but I promise that the next one will be longer once I've got it done. I don't think it'll take long to get it finished, but since my vacation is over, I'm not sure when I'll have time. I'll work hard to post the next chapter in the next week.  
**

**That being said, please review! They keep me going, and encourage me to go on. So please review!**

**This story is now in a community I created for stories created based on the episode, "Same as it Never Was." It's named "Always the Same as it Never Was," and any suggestions for additions to this community would be appreciated.**

**If you want to discuss this further, I have added a topic thread in my forum, "Mourning Star's Corner," with the same name as this story. Please feel free to come over and ask questions, make comments, etc. I'd welcome the conversation until chapter 3 is ready.**

**That's all from me for now!**

**~Star~**_  
_


	3. Loss

**Greetings! Sorry it took so long to get this up - schoolwork plus lack of motivation rather slowed down my efforts in producing this chapter. Reviews increase my motivation, so please review!**

**As I've said in the previous chapters, I don't own anything. Period. Don't sue me, I'm not claiming I own anything. Unless you count the flashbacks, which are based off of something that I don't own and are simple guesses at what happened between some point in the TMNT regular episodes and the future of the episode "Same as it Never Was."**

**Enjoy!  
**

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Living near the old lair was dangerous, and he knew it, but then again, there were no safe places to be these days. If he was careful, he could chance a glance at the moon. His brother, Donatello, used to tell him that looking at the moon was one of the most soothing things that he could do, when he needed to get out and just think.

It didn't hurt so much to think about Donnie anymore, just as it didn't hurt to think about Master Splinter as much. That didn't mean his pain was gone – far from it, in most cases, but it did mean that he could think about them and not want to cry.

He had stopped crying years ago.

"_I can't stand living with you anymore, Leo!" a pissed-off Raphael yells at his brother. "I'm leaving, and I hope that I never see you again!"_

"_That makes two of us!" Leo snarls back, glaring daggers at the red-banded turtle seconds before Raph turns and storms out of the lair. I'm glad neither of them saw me – but I don't think Raph was joking._

_I suppress a whimper. Two months – it's been two months since Master Splinter… I shut my eyes, forcing the tears away. I'm still not used to him being gone. It's like someone took away the sun, moon, and earth, and left me floating. Without Donnie or Master Splinter, I just don't know what to do anymore…_

_Uh-oh – Leo just spotted me. "Are you going to blame me, too?" he bellows at me, anger still radiating off of him._

"_Dude, I…" words all of a sudden fail me as a lump forms in my throat._

_There is a part of me that blames Leo for not figuring out a way to save Master Splinter, just as there is a part of me that blames Donnie for Master Splinter's death. He should have been there, helping us fight. We always fought better as a team, and without him, we just aren't as good a team._

"_I thought so," Leo grumbles before he turns and storms out of the only other exit._

_I spend the next two nights alone in the make-shift home that we had made right after Master Splinter's death, crying. At the end of it, I realize that there is nothing I can do but do what they always accused me of being unable to do – grow up. I'm now completely alone, and I have to take care of myself._

That was the night he had finally stopped crying. The nightmares he had after that, he had simply rolled over and gone back to sleep, trying hard not to let them affect him. After a while, his nightmares were better than the nightmare that was real life.

His right hand touched the stub of his left arm. Mikey shut his eyes as he let his right hand drop away. He could still remember that night.

_I ran down the hall, my heart thudding in my chest. I know my brothers are surprised at how serious and down to Earth I am, but what do they know? I had to grow up if I was to survive on my own. They don't care anymore, they don't want to talk to me. Besides, I can't afford to goof around with the Shredder ruling the planet._

_That's what we're trying to fix right now. We're attacking his palace, and we're working on getting close to him. If we can kill him, hopefully his entire empire will collapse, and we can free everyone from his prison camps._

_Oh, shell! AMBUSH!!! How'd he know that we were attacking? Focus on that later. Focus on surviving, Mikey._

_It's all happening so fast. We're all getting pushed back, out the 'door' we had just made. Sweat breaks out on my forehead as I try to break their line of attackers. I don't see the Foot ninja with a katana advancing on me until it's too late._

_His blade cuts through my flesh and bone with the amount of strength he put into the blow. My nun-chuck knocks him back as my now-severed arm flies away. Pain explodes through my body and I cry out in pain._

"_MIKEY!" I hear Raph yell before my world goes dark._

Mikey was told afterwards that they had only just managed to escape with their lives, and had made the choice to cauterize his stump. They hadn't been able to recover his severed arm, and that had been the only other option. He would have died if they hadn't, and sometimes Mikey wondered if that would have been a bad thing.

At least Mikey wasn't the only turtle with a disability. Raphael had lost his left eye in the same attempt on the Shredder's life. A few years after that, and they had lost Casey Jones on an attack on the Shredder. No one was planning on trying that again anytime soon, but Mikey knew that the only way to end this eternal nightmare was to end the Shredder.

Life was precious, as Master Splinter had said many times. The three remaining turtles did not like to take lives unnecessarily, but if taking the Shredder's life saves hundreds, thousands, millions… even billions of lives, Mikey knew any of them would kill him in a heartbeat. One life was not worth saving at that high price.

Mikey grimaced. If only they had found a way to take him down sooner, then none of this would be happening. If Donnie had been there, they might have been able to take down the Shredder long before Master Splinter was killed.

Blame. Raph was the best at blaming someone else, and sometimes, Mikey could understand the red-wearing turtle's desire to blame someone else. Sometimes, if the mood turned sour enough, Mikey could turn all of his sadness and anger on Donatello, the one who abandoned them.

That feeling of abandonment was strongest tonight. Today was the thirtieth anniversary of Donnie's disappearance. It was also the twenty-fifth anniversary of Master Splinter's death.

There were times that Mikey found it ironic that both events occurred on the same day, although five years apart. Other times, he just found it unbearably saddening. Yes, turning his sadness and grief into anger at the missing turtle helped sometimes, but it became too hard to do, year after year. Mikey couldn't understand how Raph managed it.

Of course, sometimes he believed exactly what he knew Raph believed – that Donnie was dead. Only Leo maintained a slim hope that Donnie was alive. They all thought he was dead, if the truth was told, but only Mikey and Leo had any hope of finding their final brother alive. Mikey tried to believe he was alive, and so, sometimes, he would blame Donnie.

It didn't make life any easier.

"_Mikey?"_ a voice echoed up to his location, making Mikey's heart still. _"Anybody?"_ came a second echo.

Mikey jumped up, deposited his remaining nun-chuck in its carry-case, and ran towards the warehouse they used to store their vehicles in. His heart began to race, although he kept himself alert. He hadn't survived all these years being too focused on his goal.

He heard a loud sound, like something falling over, and quickened his movements while keeping a silent as he could. Mikey's movements were hindered by having only one useable arm, but he had learned to cope these past years.

He heard someone talking to themselves, although he couldn't make out what they were saying. "…in one piece, but this place feels like it's been abandoned for a _long_ _time,_" he heard them mutter. The voice was hauntingly familiar. "None of this makes any sense." A figure exited the old, decrepit warehouse, a bo-staff strapped to his back. Mikey spotted a hint of purple.

Suddenly Mikey heard a helicopter and spotted a few 'police' cruisers coming their way. The helicopter's light flashed over the figure, clearly illuminating him. "Attention citizen. Place your hands in the air and drop your weapons. Repeat: Hands up and drop your weapons!" one of the Foot police yelled at the figure, who Mikey recognized as his long lost brother, Donatello. Five Foot police advanced on Donnie, who raised his hands.

_Idiot!_ Mikey scowled as he readied himself. Donnie suddenly pulled his bo staff as the Foot Police continued to advance on him. Mikey threw three shuriken towards them, missing by a few feet. "On the roof! Get a light on him! Fire! Open fire!" the same man yelled as the light shifted from Donatello to where Mikey was.

Mikey didn't give them a chance to get a light on him. He ran along the front of the building, missing the bullets the Foot police were aiming at him. He leapt down and hid inside a car, guessing that they'd expect him to hide in the cabin. He heard them leap onto the car as they continued to blast their guns at the cabin. He waited patiently – he hadn't learned survival techniques for nothing!

After they had finished blasting away at the cabin, Mikey jerked the hood of the cabin upwards, knocking the Foot police across and into the other one who had been standing on the trunk. Using the same upwards momentum, he leapt high into the air, doing a tuck and roll as he went. He kicked downwards, knocking the gun out of one of the Foot police before landing. He kicked upwards, knocking the man down.

He quickly took down another, knocking his gun out of his hands before knocking him down, too. He used his nun-chuck to knock a third one's gun out of his hand, and then knocking him down. Not pausing for a breath, he knocked the still conscious Foot out, hearing a shocked, "Mikey?" from behind him.

He threw one Foot into the front hood of the car he had hidden in before following him with the other Foot. One of the Foot police he had knocked down earlier stood up, and pulled a ninjaken from his waist. Mikey didn't give him a chance to use it, knocking him down into the front section as well before knocking the hood back down.

The helicopter's lights suddenly focused in on him, and he dodged by doing a one-handed cartwheel (something he had been practicing ever since losing one arm) to one of their dropped, hi-tech guns. He picked it up and took deadly aim. He destroyed all of the Foot police cruisers first, leaving a smoking wreck in his wake. He then aimed it at the helicopter until it, too, went down.

Taking lives was the only way to survive in this war. He wasn't going to deny it.

Mikey stood up, letting the gun fall from his only hand as he focused on the turtle in front of him.

Donnie had put away his bo-staff, and came towards Mikey with a grin. "Mikey, am I glad to see you," he told Mikey with relief evident in his voice.

"So… it's really you… you came back," Mikey noted as he stepped out of the shadows.

Shock was easy for Mikey to read on his brother's face. _What did he expect to find after all this time? That we'd all still be here, waiting patiently for him to return?_ Mikey wondered angrily.

"Mikey… your… your arm… what happened to your arm?!" Donnie gasped.

Mikey grimaced. Who cared about that? "_You're_ the one who's got some questions to answer! Where the shell have you been all these years?!" he demanded angrily, but he just couldn't seem to muster enough anger.

"'All these year?'" Donnie puzzled, blinking in surprise.

"You've been gone for over thirty years, Donatello," Mikey retorted, resisting rolling his eyes.

"Thirty years? It can't be!" Donnie gasped in shock.

"Can be and is. We thought you were dead," Mikey replied, his voice getting softer. The next question he asked, however, was asked with all the anger he could muster. "How the shell could you just abandon us like that!"

"I didn't. I could never abandon you guys. One minute we were all in the lair, the next minute I woke up here. I don't know how," Donnie shrugged, looking around himself in shock.

"So… the turtle with the big brain finally doesn't have all the answers. Who'da thunk it? But we can't talk here – c'mon!" Mikey ordered his brother before he took off. He knew Donnie would follow him as he leapt over abandoned apartment and business buildings.

They traveled in relative silence for a while, until they came to the underground ventilation system that Mikey used to travel to Central Park. "Where are we going, Mikey?" Donnie inquired as Mikey used his nun-chucks to lift the vent up.

"I'm taking you to Master Splinter," Mikey replied. He knew he should warn Donnie that Master Splinter was long gone, but he just didn't have it in him. Besides, if what Donnie said was true, he'd probably think that he was joking.

It had been a long time since he had felt like joking or pulling pranks. The world was too serious for such childish pursuits.

"Are Leo and Raph with him?" Donnie wanted to know.

"You kidding? Leo and Raph aren't with _anybody_ anymore," Mikey retorted before he slid down into the ventilation system. He heard Donnie gasp before following him down. Mikey purposefully slid the cover back on, and began to lead the way through the ventilation system towards their destination.

After making sure that the ventilation shaft was firmly in place, Mikey heard Donnie ask, "Where are all the people?"

"You mean the ones that survived?" Mikey inquired as they headed towards the park. "They're forced to work eighteen-hour days in the Shredder's labor camps. No one's allowed out at night." They ran through the park, quiet except for Mikey's voice. He paused behind some bushes, making sure that there wasn't anyone else in the park except them.

"What happened between Leo and Raph?" Donnie inquired as he squatted next to him

"Let's just say they got into a big fight a long time ago," Mikey answered. He didn't want to open that emotional can of worms just yet. And a part of him still wanted Donnie to suffer, just a little, when he saw, instead of their calm, steady father, his grave.

It was a petty desire, but Mikey had been suffering from his grief for twenty-five years. Donatello obviously hadn't, and something about his brother told Mikey that he really had traveled through time, although when he disappeared was debatable in Mikey's mind. He took off again, trusting Donnie to follow him.

"What the shell?" Donnie exclaimed softly. Mikey glanced over his shoulder and he saw Donnie shake his head before following him again.

"When you never came back, Donnie, well, everything just… fell apart. We were a team. Without you, it just didn't work," Mikey told his brother calmly as he paused behind a tree. "Guess we really needed that level head of yours," he added as he looked at Donnie, the irony strong in his voice. He led his surprisingly younger brother out from behind the tree.

"Master Splinter?" Donnie wondered, looking at Mikey.

Mikey pointed towards the board that was Master Splinter's grave marker. "He's over there," he replied softly. An old walking stick leaned against the hand-carved grave marker with the single word, 'Splinter,' written on it.

Mikey had always thought that Master Splinter deserved a proper grave marker, not some piece of wood carved with his name, but they couldn't get him one. And as time passed, it became uncommon for anyone who died to have even a proper grave, let alone a wooden board marking their grave.

"No… Master Splinter is… no!!!" Donnie gasped, walking towards the grave before falling onto his knees and hitting the earth in his grief.

A slight feeling of guilt wormed its way up Mikey's stomach. He should have warned Donnie… but it was too late for that. "Master Yoshi used to bring him here to the park, back in the day. It's not the safest place, but it's where Sensei wanted to be buried," he explained quietly.

"H-how?" Donnie turned back towards him as he asked the question.

"A couple of years after you disappeared, Master Splinter gave his life protecting the three of us," Mikey answered simply.

Donnie turned back towards the grave. "I can't believe this place. It's all… so horrible!" he told Mikey as he stood up.

"You'll get used to it. Besides, what can you do? It's the way it is," Mikey shrugged as Donnie looked at him.

"It's not the way it was! Maybe I can't change the past, but that doesn't mean there isn't a way to change the present. We've got to face the Shredder and take him down!" Donnie decided determinedly.

"Huh – we tried, too many times," Mikey shook his head, determined to not think about all he had lost in those failed attempts.

"We're going to try again, Mikey," Donnie told Mikey firmly.

Mikey was impressed by his purple-wearing brother's determination. _If there's anyone who can figure out how to take the Shredder down, it _would_ be Donnie,_ he remembered. Half of their battle plans had involved Donnie in the planning process. "You got a plan?" he inquired neutrally.

"I'm working on it, but… we're going to need Leo and Raph," Donnie answered hopefully, looking at Mikey.

"That's a tall order, Donnie, but I think I know someone who can help," Mikey replied, lifting a finger.

It had been years since he had seen either Leo or Raph, and getting them together was impossible. They wouldn't come just if he told them that he had found Donnie – he had used that excuse once to get them together to try to take down the Shredder. He had lost his arm for the trouble.

But if he could get them somewhere where they could talk to Donnie, he could let Donnie do all the convincing.

For the first time in years, hope thrummed through Mikey's veins. He wasn't going to let it affect his judgment, but it was nice to feel hopeful again. To think that maybe, just maybe, they can finally take down the Shredder.

Donnie was always good at pulling a plan out of nothing, and now they were going to see if he could come up with a good enough plan to finally kill the Shredder.

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**So now we get into the actual episode! I'm planning on continuing this until the episode ends. I have some vague glimmerings of a sequel, since I'm not planning on writing any of this story in Donatello's perspective. The sequel won't occur during the actual episode and serve more as a 'between episodes' story... or sub-story, anyway. We'll see if it actually progresses into a real story or not. But first I have to finish this story, don't I?**

**As for the parts from the episode, I am carefully re-watching the episode to ensure I'm as accurate as possible. If I'm off about either the dialog or action sequences, please let me know, but also keep in mind it's hard to write exactly what happens in the episode. Basically, I figure as long as the dialog is almost exactly what it is in the episode, the action sequence is a little less important. That's not to say I can have them doing things they didn't do in the episode, but it does mean that it's okay if the action sequence isn't as detailed as it could be. If anyone objects, I'm sorry, but it is easier to ensure the dialog is correct than try to describe everything exactly as it happened.**

**Anyways, please tell me what you think! Reviews make me happy, and speed up the next update!**

**~Star~**


	4. Hope in the Darkest Night

Hello all! Here is chapter 4, which I hope everyone will enjoy. If not, sorry... but there's more to come! I predict at least eleven chapters total, and then I'll start working on the sequel to this story, in which our brainy turtle is dealing with the emotional wounds he gains.

**Disclaimer**: As always, I own nothing. Someone else owns the amazing turtles, and the story. I'm just expanding on it where the creators of the TV series didn't have time.

Another note is thank you to **Longing for Leo**!!! You're reviews really inspired me to write and post this chapter... although school got in the way of me posting this any sooner... Anyways, please enjoy!

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**Ch 4, Hope in the Darkest Night**

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She stared at the board in front of her, a digital image of the world. She had long since grown used to being the rebel leader – someone had to give them hope. She couldn't stop hoping, although it was getting harder to keep up everyone else's hope.

April had never dreamed she had the talent to be a leader. If someone had told her thirty, thirty-five years ago that she would become a leader, she would've laughed and told them that they were imagining things. That had always been Leo, and sometimes Donnie.

April's eyes tracked to a picture on the wall that had a black ribbon on it. Casey Jones, her late husband, had always believed that their missing friend would return. Four years after Donatello had disappeared, Casey had proposed, and they had gotten married. The single year they had spent married before everything had began to fall apart had been one of the most interesting in her life. She couldn't say it was one of her happiest – without Donnie, it just couldn't be that happy.

Then Master Splinter had died, and things slowly disintegrated, eventually culminating in Casey's death. Now April lived for the resistance, in the vain hope that it would succeed. She clung to the equally vain hope that Donnie would return, if only to hold onto the hope that both Casey and Master Splinter had maintained.

April wasn't one to live for revenge or anger. She had to live for hope.

However, even the bravest of souls can't maintain hope against a long-lived alien bent on the domination of the entire universe. Even April was faltering in her hope, but she would remind herself of a song that her niece once sang, twenty-nine years ago, for a talent contest.

"_In this time of fear,_

_When prayers so often proved in vain,_

_Hope seemed like a summer bird,_

_Too swiftly blown away."_

The chorus also had a line that fit as well. _"Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill."_ April believed in that firmly. Time was one of hope's worst enemies, but even time could not kill hope. At least not for April.

She hoped and prayed for something to help them save themselves, to save the world. No help had appeared.

Most people no longer believed in God. In many ways, this was like the Holocaust of eighty years ago. Eighteen-hour work-days followed by enforced stay in labor camps. An evil dictator. Pain and loss.

Yes, April could see how very similar to the Holocaust their world was. That was why she resisted, why she hoped. They had made it through the darkest times back then, and if the people of the past could survive, so could they.

_It'll be a good story to tell the grand-kids,_ April mused sadly. She didn't have any children, not after everything that had happened. It hadn't been practical, and then it was too late. She had wanted a couple kids, too.

She was able to repress the sadness those thoughts brought her. She had a job to do.

"_Resistance team 7, this is Ops. Proceed to target,"_ she heard one of her sub-commanders instruct one of their teams.

"Take this to Angel. Her commandoes will have to destroy that fuel dump before it gets moved on Friday," April ordered the kid who walked up to her, handing him a sheet of paper.

"Yes, sir!" he saluted before he walked off. April refocused her attention on the map in front of her.

"Yo, Rebel Leader, look what the cat dragged in," a familiar voice called. She looked over towards where it was coming from.

She hadn't seen Michelangelo in three years. He had been too busy working on his own, just like the rest of them, to come by and say hi. In this day and age, friendships were hard to maintain, so she had understood it. Besides, none of them were talking to one another, and they didn't want to run into each other. Mikey wasn't mad at anyone, but he would never be able to convince Leo or Raph of that.

"April?!" a familiar voice exclaimed, a smile lighting up his face as she stared at him. It had been thirty years since she had last heard his voice.

"Donatello!" she started in surprise, shock and joy warring in her voice before she threw her arms around her long-lost friend. "You came back! Splinter always said you would. Casey, too."

"Where is Case? That big bonehead," Donnie grinned as April let him go.

Her face fell, and Donnie instantly picked up her mood. Her face turned back to the picture on the wall, and he looked over there as well. April could see the surprise and dismay cross his face.

"Well, well, well… Donatello," another voice commented dryly, his voice accompanied by the sound of wheels moving.

As soon as Donnie spotted where the voice came from, he gasped, "What the?!" before he whipped out his bo and held it in an offensive stance against the speaker. Not that April could blame him.

"Looking younger than ever. And how do we look? Just another one of the Shredder's apropos punishments. Don't be impolite, Hun, say hello," Baxter Stockman, still a brain in a jar, but oddly attached to a very old Hun, instructed the aged fighter.

April couldn't help but feel bad for the two men. If there had been a way for them to separate the two, it would make them much happier. Unfortunately, most of the doctors that were still alive and free had to focus on helping resistance members who came back from their missions. They couldn't waste one on a highly dangerous and experimental procedure.

"Greetings, Donatello," Hun greeted begrudgingly.

"Relax, Donnie, they're on our side," April informed him, putting a soothing hand on her friend's arm. "We saved them from being executed about five years back."

It had been really hard, but they had managed it. They couldn't let someone with the information both of them had had just die. Further, despite what the Shredder might think, Baxter Stockman was still a brilliant man. He had been helping them ever since being rescued. Hun might want to die, but Baxter was much happier being alive.

"This life is worse. I wish I'd been put out of my misery," Hun informs them in a glum voice.

"And I wish that you'd been put out of MY misery, you miserable misanthrope!" Baxter complained.

"April, there's got to be a way to end all this!" Donnie informed his friend as he approached the picture of Casey. "Can you get Leonardo and Raphael to meet me?"

"I can try," April promised. She knew that look in Donnie's eyes – he was determined to do what he could.

April turned to talk to some of her own commandoes to give them specific instructions on what to say to each of the two turtles. As she did so, she realized that what Baxter said was right. Donnie _was_ looking younger than ever – almost like he hadn't aged a day since she had last seen him. In fact, April was almost sure of it. Donatello had not aged since he had disappeared.

There were a few possibilities on what was going on, but considering his reactions to everything, she had a pretty good idea what was going on. One possibility was that something had slowed his aging, and that was why he had run away. That wasn't likely, in part because it didn't seem like Donatello to leave his brothers over something like that. Another possibility had to do with some sort of travel, possibly even time-travel, although how it could occur was beyond her.

_I hope he can convince his brothers to set aside their differences for this,_ April thought idly as glanced at her friend. She wondered how the two would react to Donnie's presence. _If they come, we'll find out._

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**So that's it for this chapter! Please review! They inspire me to write and post the next chapter quicker!**

**And I do feel like I have to mention this. I don't know why April is not as easy to write, and I'm sorry this chapter isn't as long as all the rest, but she's just not feeling like contributing much to the story right now. I tried, I really did, to make this longer. She just didn't have as much to say as everyone else...**

**That's all from me for now!**

**~Star~**_  
_


	5. Blast from the Past

**Greetings! There's not a lot to say right off the bat, but this is one of my favorite chapters thus far. Why? Well, I'd tell you, but that would spoil the surprise, now, wouldn't it? =^.^=**

**Disclaimer: I wouldn't be here if I owned TMNT, now, would I? I wish I did, but all I own is my ideas on what happened "behind the scenes" of the episode "Same as it Never Was."**

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**Lasting Scars, Lasting Wounds**

**Blast from the Past**

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He stood in front of the grave, his thoughts swirling. It had taken very little time to return to New York City, or what was left of it. Before he went back to the rebel headquarters, he had decided to visit his father.

Despite the darkness that shrouded the clearing, Leo didn't remove his glasses. Some might think he was blind, with the particular glasses he wore, but he wasn't. He was more light-sensitive now than he once was, which was balanced by the glasses he wore.

He had abandoned his blue mask years ago, letting that symbol of his childhood vanish. He was not the same as he once had been, and changing what he wore was a reflection of that. The black trench-coat added to that effect, and he only had one of his katana on his back.

He had lost his other katana years ago. It had been impossible to replace anyway, unless he wanted to take one off of a Foot, and that had never appealed to him. Besides, this one had been a gift from his father – he wasn't going to abandon it.

He remembered the day that they had buried him so well, the day they had buried their father.

_Raph sat in silence, slowly using his sais to carve our father's name onto it. Mikey and I shovel out the spot we had picked. April and Casey are going to be here in an hour – to pay their last respects before we bury our father._

_I can't help but suppress the tears that are starting to gather in my eyes. This… this makes the whole thing real. Our Sensei… our _father_… is _gone_… _forever. _And it's all my fault. We should have ran as soon as I heard that noise – then he wouldn't be dead._

_Raph still blames me – I can see it in his eyes. He's mad at me, but does he think that I am _happy_ about this? If I could, I would gladly take his place. Then I would know where Donnie was, and why he had left us, and Master Splinter would be able to tell Mikey and Raph what they need to hear._

_I wish Donnie were here. He would know what to say. Despite his tendency to use words most of us can't understand, he was always the most eloquent as well. He always seemed to know what we needed to hear when we were feeling down, and how to make us feel better. He would know how to make Raph stop blaming both himself and me._

_I keep glancing at the still form of our father, fighting back tears. I always thought Mikey was more prone to tears than any of us, but he seems to be in a state of shock, where he _can't_ cry. Raph's so focused on his anger, the rage he feels at me, that he's able to hold back his tears of grief._

_Me? Yeah, who am I kidding? There are tears slowly streaming down my face. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I shouldn't be burying my father. We should all be laughing in the lair, just having fun and goofing off. Mostly, Donnie should be here, doing something clever. Maybe if he were here, Master Splinter would have a stone as a grave marker instead of a board._

_Finally, we're done. April and Casey arrive quietly, but not unnoticed. We still had to be careful. Raph and I lower Master Splinter into the grave as Mikey finally starts to sob, although he was careful to keep his sobs as quiet as possible._

_We all stand there staring at Master Splinter. I don't want to bury him, perhaps because it would make his death real, but we _had_ to bury him. It wasn't right to _not_ bury him, even if it was like salt in a wound._

_I had cleaned his wounds and fur so that there was no trace of the blood that had marked his life leaving his body. Raph had found one of the few spare robes Master Splinter had, although he had had to repair a tear in it before we had dressed our father. We all had wanted to give him as proper a burial as we could manage, and both of those tasks had to be done._

_I take a deep breath before I look around. "Let us pay our last respects to…" My voice breaks at that point and I swallow a sob. "To our beloved father, and friend," I force myself to finish. Mikey's shaking now, tears streaming down his face as he stares at our motionless Sensei in the grave he and I just dug._

"_M-master… F-father," Mikey stutters before he falls to his knees in front of the grave. He bows, low to the ground. "Thank you for everything. I don't think we ever appreciated everything you did for us, a-and n-now that you're g-gone, I… I realized how much I… I'm going to miss you…"_

"_Master Splinter, I… I don't know what to say," April began hesitantly, tears glimmering in her eyes as well. "You were always there for all of us, a constant pillar that we all could return to when we needed your advice. We're going to miss you." Casey, not as eloquent as April, simply nodded his agreement._

_Raph stared hard at the figure lying in the grave before he bent down and pulled something out of his belt. I caught a hint of purple before Raph lifted one of Master Splinter's stone-cold hands. He wrapped the purple bandana around Master Splinter's hands. My voice caught in my throat as a lump formed there._

"_Sensei, I want you to watch over Don, wherever he is," I hear Raph whisper, his voice so quiet I can only just catch his words. "If he's alive, maybe you could convince him to come back somehow."_

_Raph stood up, although his face was still trained on Master Splinter. "Sensei, I… I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you over the years. I know it must've been hard whenever my temper got the better of me. I just… I want to say thank you for putting up with me, and helping me through it all. I… I'm going to miss you… Father," Raph's voice ended on a whisper, but he started out fairly strong. I caught the glistening of tears in my hotheaded brother's eyes before I focused on Master Splinter. I swallow hard._

"_Master Splinter, I… thank you," I murmur, not sure if my brothers, April, or Casey can hear me. "You've given us so much, and asked so very little from us in comparison." Countless memories run through my head, from my infancy to now. He really gave us more than I ever could have imagined possible. "I promise, Master Splinter, we're going to end the Shredder, so he won't be able to destroy another family like he did to us ever again."_

_I take a deep breath before I look at my brothers. "Together?" I whisper as I pick up a handful of dirt. I don't want to do this, and I can see it in both Raph and Mikey's eyes that they don't, either, but it has to be done. Raph nodded once before he, too, picked up a handful of dirt. Mikey choked off another sob, but he simply picked up his own handful._

_Together, we tossed our handfuls of dirt onto our father. Slowly, our father's body disappears from the world._

That was probably the last time the three of them ever did something together. Leo stared hard at the single name on the wooden board as wishes came and flowed through him, never really staying.

He wished Donnie had never disappeared.

He wished they had been able to see the Shredder's rise to power at its beginnings.

He wished that they had fled rather than fight that day.

He wished Master Splinter had survived.

He wished that he had been able to convince Raph that it was Master Splinter's _choice_ to give up his life for his sons.

He wished that they could defeat the Shredder.

He wished that Casey hadn't died.

He wished he could talk to Mikey without guilt.

He wished he could visit Master Splinter's grave more often than he was able to.

He wished he knew what had happened to Donnie.

He wished he knew if Donnie was alive or not.

But most of all, he wished that Donnie would show up.

Leo sighed as he lifted a hand to his forehead. Those wishes passed through him, leaving him aching with desire, but knowing they would never come true. Shaking his head, Leo turned and left the dull clearing, paying close attention to the rest of his environment as he moved.

He arrived at the resistance HQ, looking carefully around to make sure no one had followed him. He approached the building. He paused at the gaping hole that led to the hallway to the main room. He looked in both directions before leaping into the hallway, pulling his single katana out in his left hand as he scanned one direction of the hall.

The sound of someone hitting the ground behind him made Leo whip around, staring hard in the gloom of the hallway. "What the shell are you doing here?!" an angry voice demanded as his head lifted into the grim light.

"Raph?" Leo blinked in shock behind his sunglasses. His voice was rusty with disuse, but he ignored that. Raph at least sounded more or less like he used to. Leo guessed he still yelled angrily when he went into battle. _Same old Raph, _Leo mused. "April's guys didn't say anything about you being here."

However, this wasn't a good thing. There were many reasons that he avoided Raphael, although the most prominent was that Raph had never forgiven him for leaving Master Splinter in the lair those many years ago. Leo wasn't pleased by this sudden development.

"Oh, what's the matter, Leo? I remind you how you made us abandon Master Splinter when he _needed_ us MOST?!" Raph asked sarcastically, moving aggressively towards Leo, poking him deliberately.

"It's what he wanted, Raph!" Leo retorted, pushing Raph's hand away from his chest. "To save us! If we _had_ gone back there, we would have _all_ been destroyed!"

"We coulda saved him!" Raph argued, as he always did, poking Leo in the chest again as he did so

"You know we couldn't! He was gone," Leo responded angrily, poking Raph in the chest as well.

"No!" Raph yelled, pushing Leo back a few steps.

_That does it,_ Leo glared at Raph. "All right, Raph, I'm _through_ talking!" he told his hotheaded brother as he gripped his katana with both hands. "Let's settle this once and for all!"

Just as he lifted his katana in preparation for an attack, something hard and solid hit him in the chest, knocking him over. From the sounds of it, whatever and whoever had knocked him over had done the same to Raph. Leo reacted fast, sitting up. What he saw made him make a questioning noise instead of any words or actions.

Raph started to growl, but ended it in a single word. "What?!" he gasped. Out of the corner of Leo's eyes, he saw Raph's one good eye widen in surprise.

"Leo, Raph, we need to talk," Donatello told the two of them before he put his bo into its holster on his back. He gripped the crook of Leo's arm, and took Raph's hand, pulling both of them to his feet.

"Donnie? No way!" a suddenly ecstatic Raph exclaimed, throwing his arms around their long-lost brother with a smile on his face. Leo hadn't seen him smile like that in a long, long time.

"Donatello, you're back! I don't believe it," Leo couldn't stop the grin on his on his face or in his voice, tilting his head as he surveyed his brother.

"Believe it," came Mikey's voice from further down the hall as he and April approached the trio. "And Brainiac here wants to go up against the Shredder."

The sudden joy Leo had felt washed away at those words. Leo remembered all of the people he had lost in the numerous attempts to kill the Shredder, and all that his brothers had lost. It killed whatever happiness he had had a moment ago.

"We've already _tried_ it, Donnie. How do you think we lost Casey?" Leo inquired seriously.

"The Shredder's palace is surrounded by an army of Foot police," Raph added.

"And Utrominators," Leo continued.

"_And_ Karai Legions," Raph pointed out, disgust in his voice.

"You can't even get inside to fight him!" Leo grimaced.

"And if you could, you couldn't beat him. His new exo-suit is stronger than ever. I should know – _**I**_ designed it," Baxter Stockman put in as Hun wheeled the two of them towards the group.

"It's impossible," Leo sighed. No matter how much he wanted it to be otherwise, Leo couldn't see any way to change their current predicament.

"Can't be done, Donnie. It's hopeless," Raph agreed.

"I don't know what happened to you guys, but the turtles I knew believed that nothing was ever hopeless," Donnie argued, his normally calm face angry, and oddly determined. He put his hands on Leo and Raph's shoulders, looking between the two. "Please, we can do this!"

Leo looked at Raph, and saw something he hadn't seen in years in Raph's eye. Something he himself knew he hadn't felt in years. Hope.

Somehow, Leo fell into being able to understand Raph with just looking at him, as he had once when they were both younger, and the world wasn't as horrible. Raph's lone eye told Leo that if he was willing to try, then so was Raph. Raph offered his hand, and Leo took it.

Leo didn't miss the smile that appeared on Mikey's face. He was sure he knew what was going through his head, too. 'It's about time.'

"All right, Donnie, we'll do it _one_ more time, but please, tell me we have a fighting chance!" Leo told his younger brother with determination. Maybe now, after all these years, he would be able to fulfill the promise he had made that night they had buried their father.

"I've been working up a plan. Do we have any hardware, exo-suits, _anything?_" Donnie inquired, his gaze traveling over everyone's faces.

"Well, we captured a Karai Legion-bot that Dr. Stockman has been modifying," April answered, jerking her thumb at Baxter Stockman and Hun.

"Good, that's a start. And there's something we'll need from the lair," Donnie told them. Leo recognized that tone of voice, the one that said that Donnie was already focusing on how to make a working plan.

"The lair?" Raph asked in surprise. His face turned hard. "It got wasted years ago."

"Not all of it," Donnie smirked at Raph.

"What are you talking about, Donnie?" Leo frowned at him.

"The tunneler – it's still in one piece," Donnie answered with a smile. "It shouldn't take me long to make sure it's up to par."

"The tunneler?" Leo gaped at him, stunned. Why hadn't he thought of that before? Why hadn't he had he checked to see if it was working or not? Or at least have someone else check it out? That took out the massive assault they would have needed just to get into the Shredder's palace!

"Why didn't I ever check that thing?" Raph grumbled under his breath.

"It's okay, Raph," April told him quietly. "You thought that the Foot trashed everything – how were you to know that that old piece of machinery worked?" She looked at Donnie. "I think I see what you're planning. C'mon – we've got work to do."

* * *

Leo glanced at Donnie as he took a break. "Don, I… what happened to you?" he asked quietly. "I mean… you look so young…"

"I wish I could tell you, Leo," Donnie sighed. "But all I really know is that I was somehow transported thirty years into the future. I didn't leave you guys, Leo. I would _never_ have abandoned you guys. You're my family – I never took you guys for granted."

It was soothing, to hear that. Leo didn't realize how much he had needed to hear those words. And the truth was right in front of him – Donatello did not look like he hadn't aged a day since Leo had last seen him. It was a relief, really, for with the hope that Donnie was still alive came the unbearable pain of trying to guess why he had left his family behind.

"Raph always believed that," Leo commented softly. "He maintained that something had to have happened to you, and seemed to prefer believing you were dead rather than alive and…" he let his voice trail off. "Listen, Donnie, I made a promise… to Master Splinter… before he… died." He wouldn't forget his promise, not when he finally had the chance to give Donnie the message that he had carried for the past twenty-five years.

Donnie looked up at Leo, the raw grief in his face plain at those words. It reminded Leo that, while it was old news for him, it was still new to Donnie. It still hurt Leo, but it was pain he was able to account for, and could manage.

"He wanted me to tell you that he never blamed you for your disappearance," Leo told his brainy brother quietly. "Here," he pulled out several battered pieces of paper from his coat pocket. "Between your disappearance and Master Splinter's death, he asked the three of us to write a letter to you, to help us deal with your disappearance. I think you should read these." It had been lucky that they hadn't been destroyed in the attack on the lair.

Donnie took them, but rather than read them in front of Leo, he put them into his belt. "I wish I knew how to change the past, Leo," Donnie whispered as he worked on the adjustments he needed for the Karai Legion-bot. "If I did, I would go back and make sure this future never happen… but I can't." Leo saw Donnie wipe away a tear that had begun trickling down his cheek.

"If we can take down the Shredder once and for all, Donnie, then you'll have done enough," Leo told him quietly. "You'll have given us all back our hope."

How could Leo have missed it? It was so obvious now that Donnie was back. Donnie _was_ their hope. He might not have all the answers, but to many of the ones that needed answering, he _did_ have the answers. And when he didn't, he would try to move heaven and earth to find it.

Now that he had committed himself to this last attempt on the Shredder, Leo found himself looking at Donnie and feeling hopeful. _Hope_. It had been far too long since he had felt that particular emotion.

He prayed it would come to a good end.

* * *

**So some last notes:**

**Longing for Leo**, I hope you enjoyed some of the 'behind the scenes' that I have here. There's more to come, trust me, but this is the start!

So in case anyone is curious, the reason this is my favorite chapter (at least thus far) is because of the flashback. I think the flashback in this chapter is my favorite one thus far, because of all the emotions that are running in it, and connected to it. I've actually discovered that I actually really like writing flashbacks in first person - it makes it seem more intense, and definitely more personal. I can't write an entire story in first person - or at least, I'm not comfortable with that idea, but I very much enjoy writing flashbacks in first person. I'd like it if you might comment on them, tell me what you think of them.

Finally, please **REVIEW**!!! I write better with motivation, and reviews motivate and encourage me. So please **review**!

**~Star~**


	6. Gathering Calm

**Greetings! Sorry about not posting this sooner - I got swamped with schoolwork and another story idea, this one a very interesting crossover between X-men Evolution and TMNT.**

**I'd like to point this out again - there is no proof either way if Leo is blind in this future or not. On the official TMNT website, if you go to the episode guide for this episode, all it says for Leo is that he is heavily scarred and wearing a long black coat and dark sunglasses. Nothing else. Therefore, it is not a FACT that Leo is blind, but an OPINION. BEFORE starting this story, I wanted to look up whether or not Leo was blind, and what better place than the official website? So please - for this story, Leo is not blind. It is a matter of opinion, not a fact, and for at least this story, in my opinion, Leo is not blind.**

**Sorry about the rant - but facts are different from opinions, and I had already mentioned this at the very beginning.**

**Originally I was going to skip straight to the battle scene, but after some thought, I realized I wanted a little bit more set up for the whole shebang. The next chapter also sets up something that I had noticed in the episode that needed to be addressed. For this reason, the attack on the Shredder happens the day after Donnie arrived in the future.**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned TMNT... sadly, I don't.  
**

**Please enjoy!  
**

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**Chapter 6, Gathering Calm**

There was silence in the room they sat in. It was small, with a table with a few chairs. It was a planning room, although it was rarely used anymore. The silence was calm, although he had to admit he was a little impatient. Raph just wasn't the type of person to wait calmly for someone.

The last 'invited' member finally slipped in quietly, shutting the door firmly behind himself. He seemed hesitant, but then, he was probably expecting Raph to get mad at him. And while there still was anger at Leo, Raph had decided that enough time had passed, and while he wouldn't let it go, he would stop arguing with Leo about it.

"'Bout time yah got here," Raph grumbled as he pulled out a chair. "Mike and I have been waiting for ages for yah."

"I had to talk to Donnie," Leo answered quietly as he, too sat down. "I… can't believe he really fell through time…"

"Tch – that makes three of us," Mikey snorted, shaking his head. "But you can't deny that it's true, either." Mikey sighed at that.

"No," Leo agreed with a sigh. "There's so much I've forgotten about Don…"

"It's been years since he disappeared, Leo," Raph pointed out. "We've all forgot a lot about him." Raph sighed. "But at least… I was right about… how Don wouldn't just abandon us."

"You're not going to jump down our throat about that, are you?" Leo asked, a small hint of a smile in his voice.

Raph chuckled. "Nah," he answered easily. "Other than a 'I told yah so,' I'm not gonna hold it against yah. Don wouldn't want that, either."

"It's amazing how seeing Donnie again… is so uplifting," Leo commented slowly. "I don't think we ever realized how much he meant to us…"

"You know, Master Splinter once told us that Don wasn't the type to fight for attention. He was always content letting the rest of us fighting for the spotlight… and only stepped forward when it was _his_ talents that we needed," Mikey put in thoughtfully. "Maybe that's why we never realized how important he was… to all of us."

"If only we could figure out a way to get Don back to the time he belongs in…" Leo sighed rubbing a hand to his forehead. "I don't know if it'd change anything… but that's _when_ he belongs."

Mikey frowned. "It might change things… at least so that we're together when the Shredder takes over," he argued. "If we can get him back to just after he disappeared, or fell through time, then we can prevent a lot of what happened to us." Mikey touched the stump of his left arm. "Who knows – maybe we'd even be able to prevent Master Splinter from dying."

The idea had merit, Raph realized. He looked at his two brothers. "Don's the most important one of us," he told them quietly. "We're not as good at figuring out that sort of thing as he is. When it comes down to our lives verses his, I think we ought to protect him over anyone else." He looked hard at Leo and Mikey.

Leo nodded his agreement. "Don's our hope," he responded softly. "Our _last_ and _first_ hope. He may be right, and we'll finally… _finally_ succeed in killing the Shredder." Leo paused. "I have to believe he's right… And he's our hope at _preventing_ this future from ever happening… our _only_ hope."

"I'm not saying I want to die tomorrow," Mikey told them quietly. "But if it comes down to a choice between saving myself or saving Donnie, you better believe I'll protect him first. Leo's right – Don's our hope, our only chance, of changing everything."

"Then it's agreed?" Raph inquired, looking around. He couldn't help but smile as he saw affirmative nods. "The other part of this…" he added slowly. "We can't tell Don about this – he'll argue with us."

Leo had to chuckle at that. "He always did like to think that he wasn't as important as the rest of us," he agreed softly.

Raph had to shake his head at that. It was sadly true, and equally ironic. Don had always enjoyed locking himself up in his lab rather than train, but when it came down to it, Don spent that time doing things that ended up helping. He certainly made all sorts of useful things in his lab. Their security system had been impressive up until they hadn't had someone to fix broken parts, and had protected them for quite a while. Don had also taught himself a lot about medicine while he was holed up in his lab.

"I'd like to knock it into his head that he's just as important as the rest of us," Raph grumbled. "But we don't have time." He shook his head, crossing his arms as he looked at his brothers. "But do you agree? We can't tell him that we're protecting him over everyone else, right?"

"Of course, Raph," Leo sighed, leaning back in his chair. "He'll never forgive himself if something happens to us as it is." Leo rubbed the back of his neck. "I wouldn't be surprised if he was already blaming himself for everything that's happened since he disappeared."

Mikey sighed at that. "That _would_ be just like Don. He likes to take on all of our problems," he agreed softly. "I'm not going to tell him anything about this, Raph."

Raph nodded, glad his brothers agreed with him. In a way, it was nice to not have to argue with Leo any longer. Yes, he still believed they should have gone back and tried to save Master Splinter, but with Donnie's arrival, Raph finally had to admit to himself that what was done, was done, and no one could change that. It still hurt, but at least he could stop arguing with Leo about it. That didn't mean he agreed with what Leo had done, but he wasn't going to blame or argue with Leo anymore about it.

"We should get some rest," Leo spoke up softly after a long silence. "We've got a big fight on our hands tomorrow, and we're going to need every edge we can muster." Mikey nodded and stood up. He was easily the first person out of the door.

Before Leo could head out of the door, Raph stepped in front of him. "I need tah talk tah yah, Leo," Raph told his brother calmly. He had been thinking about this a lot, and needed to say it. Raph could see Leo tensing up. "I'm not gonna fight yah, Leo. Like you said, we need our energy and our wits for tomorrow. I just want tah talk."

Leo visibly forced himself to relax and nodded. Raph shut the door, and turned to face his only older brother. "What do you want to talk about, Raph?" Leo demanded softly.

"If we're going intah battle, we can't go in hating each other," Raph told him quietly. He had been thinking about it ever since he had agreed to do this, and he knew it was true. He saw surprise in his brother's eyes and couldn't stop the smirk spreading across his face. "Yah think I don't know how yah feel about me, Leo? It's not hard to figure out, not after all the years I've spent hating _you._"

"I… don't _hate_ you, Raph," Leo told his brother quietly, looking to the side.

"Don't lie tah me, Leo," Raph growled. "Every time we saw each other, we nearly got intah a fight. Why would you feel anything towards me other than hate?"

"I don't _hate _you, Raph, but I don't _like_ you, either," Leo shot back, shooting a glare at Raph. "I'd say I've strongly disliked you for a long time, but I don't think I've ever _hated_ you, Raph." Leo sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "No matter how mad you made me feel, no matter how much guilt you placed on my shoulders, I don't think I could have hated you. You're my brother, Raph. That had to count for something."

Oddly touched, Raph just shook his head. "Way to overanalyze things, bro," he smirked at Leo. "I thought that was Don's forte. All right, so you didn't hate me, but close enough. We still can't go into battle mad at each other."

"No, I suppose not," Leo sighed as he sat down again. "So what do you propose?"

Raph sighed gustily as he leaned against the wall. "I think we outta put aside our differences and focus on what's important. I'm not saying I've forgiven yah for what happened all those years ago, but I'll put it aside and let the past lie if you will," he told Leo softly. It took a lot to do that, and it would continue to, but if Raph could put aside how he felt about the night Master Splinter died, that would be taking down one brick in the wall between the two of them. It was a start, and Raph thought that that would finally make things right.

Leo was silent a long time. "I feel like I should argue with you, but that might be only because of our now long-standing habit to argue on nearly everything," Leo told Raph with a hesitant smile. "I wish I had you're forgiveness, Raph, but I'll put that night behind us if you will. And you're right – we need to focus on what's important." Leo chuckled softly. "You seem to have a good streak of being right tonight, Raph."

Raph just continued to smirk. "Bet yah never thought I'd be right so many times," he snickered at Leo.

Leo smiled, a little more confident in it now. "Now you're just trying to provoke me. This isn't thirty years ago, Raph. I'm more than willing to let you be right, if it means we're closer to our survival than we would have been otherwise," he informed Raph as he stood up. "Is that all?"

"Yeah, I think so," Raph nodded as he, too stood up.

"Raph, one other thing – you're going to need to put aside all of your anger and grief for this. If you don't, you'll lose focus, and give the Shredder the opening he needs. I know you want him dead for all of the people he has taken from us, and everything he's done, but… you can't let it consume you. You can't let it control you until all you see is the Shredder," Leo told him seriously. "No matter what else happens, you have to be calm and focused in battle."

Raph considered arguing with him, but in truth he couldn't. He knew it was true. Hell, Mikey had won a match against Raph simply by getting him so mad he couldn't concentrate, and tricked him into defeat. "I can't make any promises, Leo," Raph responded in kind. He raised his hands as Leo opened his mouth. "But I'll try."

Leo nodded, and left for the sleeping quarters. Raph leaned on the door frame for a while, just thinking. _Just be calm… this is me we're talking about,_ Raph had to shake his head. _Doesn't ask for much, does he?_ Raph couldn't help but think resentfully.

_Shell, it's like I'm a teenager again,_ Raph realized with a start. _Hotheaded, too mad to think about anything else – always leaping into an argument. Huh… at the time, I would've sworn that only Mikey would never grow up. Now it appears… that I'm the only one left behind. Don's always been an overachiever, and was pretty much grown up for years before he disappeared. Leo had to grow up, in order to be our leader. Mikey and I, though, we didn't actually _have_ to grow up. I could argue that I grew up, but in a way, I never did – I never learned to control my temper._

_Now look at us. Don might still be a teen, but he's still acting more mature than his age. Leo's still the same, although a lot grimmer. Mikey… shell, who knew that I'd actually _miss_ his goofing around? He was the comic relief! Now he's far more serious than _Leo,_ and that takes a lot for him. And then there's me… yeah, who'm I kiddin'? I never learned to control my temper._

_Well, it's time… and maybe… _just_ maybe… my old 'remedy' for needing to get my feelings out will work again…_

* * *

He was still working on the tunneler. That was the only thing that passed through Raph's mind when he finally located Donatello. It was well past two in the morning, and Donnie was _still_ working on the tunneler. Raph had to shake his head in exasperation. _Trust Donnie to overwork himself again,_ he thought with a bemused smile.

Donnie turned around to grab something and spotted Raph. "Oh – how long have you been there?" the tired turtle asked in surprise.

"Long enough," Raph shrugged. "You _do_ realize that it's past two, right?"

"It is?" Donnie blinked in surprise, looking for the clock. Unfortunately, there wasn't one in the room that the tunneler was currently in. "Huh… I'm _almost_ done, Raph," Donnie told his brother, looking at him with pleading brown eyes. Raph had to hide a snicker at that face. How many times had he seen it, back in the day?

Raph contented himself with a small, quirked smile. "If you're not done soon, I'm draggin' yah off tah bed," he warned Donnie, serious despite the smile.

"That's fine," Donnie waved his statement away as he grabbed the wire-cutters he had been reaching for. Donnie turned back to the tunneler, and there was silence in the room for a minute or two. "You want to talk about whatever it is you have on your mind?" Donnie inquired as he worked steadily.

Raph shook his head. "Yah know, Don, there were times I swore you were a mind-reader," he told his little brother quietly, looking away. "Not only did you know when I wanted tah talk tah yah, but yah also knew what tah tell me tah calm me down or relax." He paused, taking in the relative calm he was feeling. "I can't believe how much I missed that." Before Donnie could think of what to say, Raph continued. "You disappearing the way yah did… it was hard, Don. And I'm not sayin' I blame yah, but…" Raph frowned, trying to think of how he wanted to put what he said next. "None of us knew what tah do without yah, Don. We tried, we really did, but there's somethin' about yah that just… can't be copied. None of us can be what you were… are… whatever."

"I wish this had never happened," Donnie whispered. "I wish I knew how to fix it more than just taking out the Shredder once and for all. But I don't." Raph could tell that hurt worse than anything else. The Donatello that Raph remembered liked to pretend he knew everything – and for the most part, it had seemed as though he _did_ know everything. Or close enough. Donnie just liked to know as much as he could about everything, and for him to admit he didn't know something was unimaginable… for all of them.

"That doesn't matter, Don," Raph told him firmly. "It doesn't matter. If we can take down the Shredder, things will start tah get better. This plan of yours is the best chance we've got, and we're going to make it work, no matter what." Raph had to smirk at that. "You've given us hope again, Don. Don't think we're going to forget what that feels like anytime soon."

"You make me sound like a miracle-worker, Raph," Donnie frowned at him as he put down the tools in his hands. "I don't know if I deserve that kind of praise."

Raph sighed exasperatedly. "Don, you are the _miracle,_ not the miracle-_worker,_" he told his brother firmly. "You came _back,_ or whatever, and that's all that we needed. Don," he caught his brother and put his hands on his shoulders. "Didn't Mikey tell yah that Leo and I hated each other? It's because of _you_ that we're now willing tah at least get along. And you've forced us tah hope again. I woulda swore that nothin' but a miracle woulda gotten us tah hope again. So don't you _dare_ say you're not worth the praise again, got that?"

Donnie blinked in surprise, but shook his head. "I feel like I let you all down," he whispered as he stared fixedly at the ground. "I should have been able to prevent this somehow…"

"If you fell through time like yah said yah did, then how could you have prevented this?" Raph demanded, thoroughly annoyed that Don blamed himself for this. "Yer not a _god_, Don, so stop actin' like one."

Donnie blinked at Raph, before he smiled. "All right," he agreed. "Thanks, Raph."

"No prob, bro," Raph smiled before he let his hands drop back to his side. "I knew you'd never abandon us, Don," he added softly. "C'mon, let's get tah bed. We've got a big day tomorrow."

Without much more protest, Donnie let Raph lead him down to the barracks and shove him into a bed. Raph took the bunk right next to his younger brother, and lay on the bed for a while, staring at the ceiling.

It had been years since he thought about his childhood with more than just regret and grief. Now he remembered all the good times, the joy, and the love that the four of them had shared. He remembered all the times they fought the Purple Dragons just for the hell of it, and the number of times they went up against Hun and the Foot. They didn't always come out as they went in, but they always kicked some shell.

_Is it possible for us to fight together again? As a _team?_ Or did that team die completely with Master Splinter, with no hope for revival? I guess we'll find out tomorrow,_ Raph wondered before his one eye shut, and he slid into a dreamless sleep.

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**Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. If possible, please REVIEW!!! I'm not sure yet when I'll post the next chapter, particularly as I move into my final exam period...**

**~Star~  
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